tv At Midnight Comedy Central November 13, 2013 12:00am-12:31am PST
>> stephen: (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. today is november 12th, the anniversary of the lighting strike that hit the hill valley clock tower in 18955 enabling marty mcply to get the 1.21 gig waltz needed for his delorean to travel back to 1985. later we would refer that to the gigawatts. they were saying gigawatts. so comedians, i want you to tell
me marty mcfly's first tweet after returning to 1985. >> i love that. you should use it on -- gigs. >> david koechner. >> i almost banked my mom hashtag. >> i would have made that one yellow nikki glaser. >> never forget. >> let's start a @midnight. welcome everybody. it is nice to see you. thank you for joining for us. i'm chris hardwick. i'm here to make sure you don't end up in a real bad part of the internet. real bad. tonight's comedy youn comediansm nikki and sara live it's nikki glaser. [applause] and we're getting very fancy.
producer anchor man the leggened continues opening november 20th and a bunch of other [bleep] judd apatow. nikki, did you not used to baby-sit judd's kids. >> i nannied for judd, not judd, judd's kids. my best story from it though is the day i kicked his younger daughter iris in the face. it was a swimming accident, i kicked her in the face and he was home, you were home and she came running dad nikki kicked me in the face. and i was like no judd, i accidentally hit her in the face with my foot. and he's like yeah, that's kicking her in the face. >> a foot punch. >> yes. it was an accident. [applause] >> in light of that judd what would your view be of nikki as a baby-sitter. >> great job, clearly high.
nice girl. wouldn't use her again. lucky we got out alive. >> kicked my daughter in the face. >> weird thing. also from full on koechner from youtube grand rapids michigan we have david koechner. koechner and i did a duet in san francisco, do you remember. >> ♪ no man, no man [cheers and applause] ♪ why don't you stay [laughter] [applause]
>> here i avoided kissing your mouth to not make it awkward and i kissed your nostril which was infinitely weirder. >> that's where hep c lives. >> that would explain the tingling. ripped from today's internet headlines it's rapid refresh. [cheers and applause] all right. first comedian to buzz in with a correct answer gets a hundred points. the internet is pissed at youtube for patienting it harder tharder -- making it harder to comment on videos anonymously. sorry trolls but it really sucks if you have to be a cannibal [bleep] with google plus which is the only integration with google plus. it's hard to complain on youtube now. which of the following real complaint tweets received the most retreats. was it a. let me answer my [bleep]
comments. was it b it was worse than adolph hitler's life. and i'm not the only one to think that. c, youtube is [bleep] no one can comment on my video. stop trying to make google plus happen [bleep] bleep then myspace is dead. nikki. >> i'm going with b. >> yes, the correct answer is b. when in doubt think of hitler. >> i'm really sad about this. i don't know how i'm going to know if i'm a dumb fat [bleep] anymore. how would i know. >> we always i don't think internet to tell us how it really is. the interthey if i internet is f reality. >> i'm going to rely on you chris. >> i can't say that. >> just text it. but make sure you misspell some of it. make it feel real. >> i sure will. you're the best, y-o-u-r.
>> the comment sections were like the taint of humanity where it's always like you could have a puppy rescuing a kitten from the fire and the first comment would be like he's gay. and 6 the second comment would e first because they never quite got it. the third call was always somebody horribly racist and i don't understand why the fourth comment is always gee guys jesus is lord. someone always gets religious no matter what the context is. i feel better now. in the sports section of detroitnews.com. i'm glad there's still news there. readers were greeted with which of the following eye catching news items. a the moon landing was fake and the lions grabbed hold of the first place in the north. b tigers introduced new manager and can you tell me what this rash is. c, a family of spiders is nested
in my preen and m brain and my e lying about it. meanwhile here are the sports photos. koechner. >> i'm going to say c. >> yes, the correct answer is c. [applause] >> what do you think of -- >> do they have groups. >> do you mean on dvd. [laughter] >> okay guys it's time for tonight's hashtag wars. [cheers and applause] as i mentioned earlier youtubeers were furious of the new commenting system integrated into google plus is ruining youtube. with that in mind tonight's hashtag is ruinawebsite. you're going to take iraq a ruinawebsite like disfigured facebook or college humor would be another one or funny or lady di would be another one you could go with. you guys ...
[laughter] you guys can play along at home by tweeting your hashtag rui rua web night. >> tainted cool news. >> fine. koechner. >> sponge report. >> nikki. >> e-bay har. >> fine. judd. >> harold pinlterrest. >> penny g mail. >> it will be sweet and buttery to get those e-mails. yes. >> hamazon. >> yes the only web site where you can buy ham. judd. >> my most space. laugh -- my moist space. >> i would say it has more members than the current myspace. next. >> i am lbdj.
>> welcome back to @midnight. i amex site because this ii am s is the first time we're going to play this. it's time to play confession bear. you guys love confession things on-line with the use of that adorably sad bear. so this is your one and this is the first part of the confession bear. for to points your job is to come up with a funnier confession than the real one. are yous guys ready. here's the first confession. sometimes when my butt itches ... judd. >> i ask dave koechner to stop. [laughter]
[applause] >> the real answer was i use farts to stop it. i haven't had a stable relationship in years dot yes nikki. >> except for the time i [bleep] that horse. [laughter] >> that's great. all right. the real answer is because i'm in love with a female voice in my head who talks to me in my inner thoughts. okay. you have way points above that. points for nikki glaser. all right next one. i all babies look the same. koechner. >> i think all babies look the same let's just grab one get out of here. [laughter] >> the real answer was, and that they are kind of ugly but points to you david koechner. that's way better, way better.
and that takes us to the end of confession bear. next game i'm so excited we were able to bring it back. it's time to play iron sheikh. [applause] >> if you have been following the iron sheikh on twitter, it alternatively places tax people on twitter and it's very clear which one he's doing. last time we played this game he actually praised us by tweeting respect my new favorite show the at at midnight and my sister's son at nerd is nerdist because t me back over on the show. you have to tell me if the sheikh likes it by saying real or hates it by saying ja jabron. yes, judd. >> jabroni. no he loves it. you deserve a gold medal.
>> wow. [applause] >> first of all, what governing body would issue such a medal. and who got the bronze. [laughter] >> all right. fine. [applause] >> nikki glaser. all right next one daylight savings time. how do you feel about daylight savings time. yes, nikki. >> jabroni. >> doesn't like it at all. i wake up and beat the [bleep] out of my clock [bleep] surprise. [applause] >> that's great. >> all right now we're going to find out if the chic was sheika 90's man. yes, judd. >> real. >> yes, real real. i don't give a [bleep] about you you're not like frank sinatra.
you are like [bleep] [bleep] yourself. [applause] >> yeah. all right. that's the end of that game. it's time for our first live challenge. [crowd cheering] today gaming blog posted these glamorous selfies that an alleged drug cartel member named broly posted on facebook. this guy's trouble but the pouty lips say let's go have some fun. by the way i don't want to get murdered by this guy. >> yeah. [laughter] >> i'll say something nice. he doesn't need a gun, he could just kill you with these piercing eyes. comedians i would like you to please write an okay human profile headline for our drug cartel friend broly to help him
i showed you these glamorous sellesellselfies from an allegeg cartel named broly. comedians what is broly's headline. david koechner. >> i'm a -- looking for a che goguerva. >> i respect you don't hurt me would you like to star in superman too. it's called [bleep] [bleep] [laughter] your friend. [laughter] >> nikki glaser. >> looking for a lady who enjoys long walks on the beach and/or midnight beheading. >> a thousand points to koechner, 500 points to apatow
and 50 points to nikki glaser. this is our speed game you guys. this is a great equalizer. it could be anyone's match at this point. it's time to play embarrassing google searches. [applause] >> i set my browser on private browsing so that my search history doesn't retain things that i search several times a day like singled out fan club or emma watson speak. [laughter] >> i believed you. >> they caused it right there. [laughter] >> do they have the raven clause here? all right, good. you guys have 60 seconds to come up with as many embarrassing google searches as possible. starting now. judd. >> how do you fire stoned baby sitters. >> dave. >> how to authentically
replicate olive garden recipes. [laughter] >> yes, nikki. >> chris hardwick single but it's a typo they referred to singled out. they weren't really interested. >> i'm totally with you. yes, judd. >> anal wart removal. [laughter] >> after a while they just become part of you. >> yes, nikki. >> how do you baby-sit. >> koechner. >> i am dbj. >> points. judd. >> dick tac particular tack tic. >> point. >> has the male size penis changed. >> i don't know what he's
researching. points. >> someone who looks like -- >> is that the first auto search that comes up when you type in nude women. nikki. >> are pube crabs real crabs. >> points, points for nikki. all right guys that brings us to the end of that round and we see dave koechner is first place with 2500 and judd at 2400 which means nikki is at 2300 point. do you have any last words. >> i would like to thank everyone at the show all my fans and amy schumer for turning this down. >> nikki glaser. that means it's time for our head to head face-off for the win. [applause] >> craigslist isn't only for dating serial killers you can also buy stuff from serial killers there. i would like you to respond to the following craigslist video is our good friend nick
upperman. >> thinking of starting the fedora fetish. save yourself the trouble and time. i've got 15 of them in this lot and they run the gamut from skulls to pink opinio pinstripe. i finally globa grown out of ths phase and would like this go to owners who willie enjoy them and the wonderful attachment they bring. a picture for a thousand words i could have written. [laughter] >> i can't any nick offerman was the one who posted the 15 cigars. please respond to the sa fedorad and we'll have an answer when we return to to
>> someone may want to work again at some point. all right. [laughter] i meant me, i meant me. i'm going to wipe your scores completely clean. wipe wipe wipe. it comes down to this head to head challenge. i'm going to read the answers so you guys can decide partially who should be the winner of @midnight foment and be the funniest person in the next 24 hours. reply to the craigslist of a man selling 15 fedoras because he had a fedora fetish and wants to make sure they have a good home. this is the first response i would love to take possession of your lovely hats and wear them without irony sighed dave -- sid dave koechner. [applause] or is it, can i interview for a term paper on gay detectives. all right i believe number two has it.
he's very nervous, it's david koechner. david, you're never going to work in this town again. if i were i would be -- you cannot let this stand. we need to bury him forever. koechner you were on the internet so enjoy that victory. that's for the next 23 and-a-half hours and we'll see you all tomorrow night. when our goipsz are andi osho, neal brennan and david spade. until then keep the game going on twitter by tweeting [ disclaimer ] >> you okay? [cheers and applause]